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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, I decide to head to the café on Rua da Escola. I’m thinking, “Let’s see if this place lives up to the hype.” I walk in, and it’s packed! People everywhere, chatting, sipping coffee. I finally get my cup, and wow, it’s strong! Like, I can feel my heart racing. I sit down, trying to enjoy it, but then this guy next to me starts talking about politics. Ugh, can’t we just enjoy our coffee in peace? I’m rolling my eyes, trying to tune him out.

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